When it just seemed to be getting better

My grandpa had a massive stroke.

He's okay. I mean, okay as he can be. He can't talk and his right side is paralyzed, but he's awake and cognizant of what's going on around him, and I'm pretty sure he knows who we are and what we're saying to him. I'm just so grateful that he isn't in a coma. Or dead. There's always that too.

The last thing my grandpa said to me was about my depression. I live pretty much right next to where he works, and he was taking a walk as I was exiting my neighborhood, so I pulled up next to him to talk to him.

He said that I shouldn't let it get me down and move on. I was frustrated because I was not only having a bad day, but I'd also had similar lectures from different people, so I just sort of brushed him off. I told him thanks and I'd try, and then I drove off. I'm pretty sure that was the last time I saw him.

It's interesting, I guess. Thinking about it.

Right now, I'm at Mercy hospital and I'm staying the night here. And I'm skipping school tomorrow. I guess I can't catch a break when it comes to school attendance. Consider my exemptions kissed goodbye.

I look around at all the people in the waiting room outside of the ICU and it's a really eclectic group. Well, as eclectic as they come in a Catholic hospital. I wonder what happened to their loved ones and why they're here. There's one guy that has a gray and black beard sitting not too far from me and he's all by himself. Is it his wife in there? His estranged child? A sibling? Maybe just a close friend?

There's a family here and I just overheard that their loved one has stage 4 melanoma, which is the most dangerous type of skin cancer. Stage 4 is the worst stage and can't be cured by surgery alone.

It's just interesting to me, I guess, seeing all these people that support other people and would give up a planned weekend to be there for them.

I have a birthday party, a writing workshop, and a nine-hour rehearsal that I have to cancel. :/ I mean, not that I mind, but I was really excited.

I love my grandpa. He's the one person in my family that is invincible. And yet now, I guess it's pretty much proven that he isn't, and that's so heart-breaking.

He's the heart and soul to this family. He is what keeps everyone together. He is Mercer, you know? I dunno. I guess that sounds strange.

It's so sad to see him like this.

At the same time, though, I'm feeling sort of numb to it all. I don't even mean like I'm trying to numb the pain; I just mean that I don't really feel much. I feel upset that he's incapacitated, but most of my sadness stems from watching everyone else react.

Not that I don't love my grandpa, because I do. He's an amazingly unique person and has had a huge impact on my life. I could never forget my grandpa.

But right now, I feel just sort of mutely sad for everyone else. I got blankets and pillows and food and everything to take care of everyone else.

I especially ache for Cristin. She's taking this so hard. Grandpa is her rock, the only man in her life that really understood her and kept his word on everything he said. She just keeps crying.

Mom, too. Mom's hiding it right now, but I know she's gonna break down sooner or later.

It makes me think about my dad and what I would do if something happened to him. I don't know if I could take it. As much as I hate some things about him, I still love him unconditionally. It's just hard to get over the pride and the awkwardness sometimes.

I love being a part of a loving, supportive, close-knit family.