Monday, October 17, 2011

You're the neutrino to my relative motion, baby.

In physics recently, they've just discovered that the particle neutrino can move faster than the speed of light, which is causing a stir in the realm of theoretical physics because if that were true, then it would disprove Einstein's theory of relativity, and that theory is the glue that holds together almost every other scientific theory.

That's kinda how I feel right about now.

Things move so fast that they shatter the foundation of everything in which one believes.

Yeah, sounds about right.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

There are things I need to do.

  • get cat food and highlighters
  • get a job
  • get my priorities straight
  • move out on my own
Short-term goals.

One-year plan:
  • get through two semesters at OCCC with passing grades
  • get a job and save a decent amount of each paycheck
  • move in with some roommates somewhere
  • continue saving money
What as always been in the future tense is now in the present tense.

This frightens me.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

If I were to write a play entirely centered in the mind of a disturbed girl

how would it go?

The dialogue of the play is languid and artistic, not colloquial, and everyone wears somewhat avant-garde type costumes.

walking shadows - influential memories, people, emotions
prominent usage of colors
some frightening imagery
very interpretive sets, props, costumes

Friday, June 17, 2011

Aesthetic Franticisms

I wrote this a year ago.

I know franticisms is not a word, just to clear up any confusion.

Call me emo. Call me stupid. Be irritated. Be better than me. At this point, I just expect it from you. All of you. To look at the situation, see how it applies to you, and then get offended and not see how it affected me. How it is affecting me. It's okay, too, because I'd probably do the same thing. It's natural.

I feel extremely mixed up and confused right now, because I feel like I'm being slowly forgotten by all those people around me who care except for four people.

I know I act like I'm over it and I stress that it's cool - I'm not mad or upset or anything - but I'm not over it and I am upset. Razia's Shadow failed only because of my friends who are "flaky" and choose to disregard something into which they all poured some part of their lives.

You're "flaky."

I'm sorry, but that's almost insulting with how trivial it is. You're "flaky" and this is something that I invested so much time, money, self and emotional conflicts in just to see it succeed. And you're "flaky," so you'd rather watch it wither and die than push forward a little more and watch it bloom into an amazing show.

Yes, I understand that it's my project, so of course I'm more willing to put forth my effort, but everyone pushed for it. Everyone sacrificed a lot. Everyone learned a lot. Everyone had fun.

Your "heart isn't in it anymore." You're "flaky." "It's not your fault, Kate."

I'm sick of your bullshit.

I'm fucking ANGRY at the fact that the first thing I ever really put all my faith in failed because of your fucking whims and your lack of caring enough about me and the project to see it live.

Yeah, I'm angry. ANGRY. I'm fucking furious.

I just had to sit on my hands and watch it DIE because I didn't want to seem bitchy about being upset that you all have your own lives to worry about. I know it's insensitive of me. I know it is. I tell myself that every time I think about this. But I still feel like you're being extremely insensitive toward me by just dropping it like a fucking worthless rock because you got bored with it and decided you didn't want to put forth any more effort.

It upsets me the most because I'd do it for you. If you had something you were so extremely passionate about, so completely immersed in, so set on attempting something of its nature as a career choice, I'd sacrifice whatever the fuck you wanted me to sacrifice to see it through because I care about you.

Only a couple of you might read this and I hope you don't think that I'm pissed at you for having your own life or not caring as much about the project as I do, because that's not it at all. I love you guys. I really do. But to watch something so valuable, so beautiful just DIE because some people were "flaky" and bored really, really, really cuts deep in an area that hasn't stopped bleeding.

I hate myself for not deserving enough respect.

I hate myself for not proving to you all how important this project was to me.

I hate all of you for not caring about it and, indirectly, my life.

I hate all of you for never changing and always leaving me out.

But, truthfully, I just hate myself for not being good enough for you.

I really want to kill myself - true. But I most likely won't because there's still a chance that I might achieve something. There's still a couple of people that really, really love me, even though they weren't involved with Razia or dropped out of it. There's still the image in my head of a group of friends walking out of a movie theater and buzzing about the movie that they just watched. There's still the shadow of a future society on which I might leave a mark. There's still a whisper of applause.

But sometimes, I just want you all to watch me fucking burn as you sit helplessly. I want to know that you'd actually be sad if I fucking died, because no one seems to care that we have no fucking classes together or lunch together or that we don't hang out after school.

If I cut myself off from the world, who'd actually remember me?

My mom

Maybe Nicole.

At least there's those, I guess.

It's really amazing how much has changed in a year.


Sunday, March 13, 2011

That one project thing

The introduction:

We are in a really weird and interesting state of development right now. We're about to graduate. We're all about to split up. We're really finding out who we are. We're in the process of having our minds blown and our limits tested. I want to document the immense change that has already begun t to shake our foundations and knock us loose from our good old suburbian comfort zone. This project is about the passage of time and growth of our frames of mind. It's about the youth of today and what's going on in their heads as they head out into the mad world of optional schooling, figurative umbilical cord cutting and career choices. It's about that emerging fission that's ripping through our minds and propelling us with ambitions to reach the top, enthralling us with daydreams of what's to come, and scaring the shit out of us with incessant uncertainty.

Basically, it's about us growing up.

The overview:

We all will film a little introduction to who we are, a day-in-the-life, and will talk about our beliefs and dreams and ideals for the upcoming future. There will be some clips of us hanging out, a couple lighthearted events - this will lead up to graduation.

After graduation, we'll film a little bit during the summer, pass the camera around to everyone just so we can keep a relative idea of what you've been doing all summer, your thoughts on college getting closer, and then make a montage of when everyone moves out or stays behind.

After some time passes and everyone gets settled in to their new homes/routines, I'll pass the camera around again (or if you're out of the state, I'll either visit or you can just make videos and send them to me online). How is everyone handling their new lives? What does the new dorm room look like? What does the campus look like? What's your class schedule? Basically another day-in-the-life.

Then, after that, I'll figure out what to do.

This is really important:

BE AS HONEST AS POSSIBLE. Be as explicit as you can possibly stand. This whole project is absolutely meaningless if you're not going to be honest. You only need to answer the questions provided, and if you are legitimately uncomfortable with answering something, you don't necessarily have to, but PLEASE don't hold back on any questions you do choose to answer. Yes, I will be viewing these, but I won't judge you for anything you say, and these clips will be edited, so if you make a twenty-minute video about religion, it will probably just be cut to a few key points, but without deep honesty, this project will seem empty. This is about the mentality of young adults in the situation we're going through right now and the way they think, not about fluff, though fluff is necessary too. :)


Day 1: Your face
What are your plans for the near future? (Summer, college, etc.)
Tour of your house/room (room especially).
Three things you can't go without in a given day.
The coolest or most sentimental thing(s) you own.

Day 2: Your life story
Just list a few influential events in your life in some kind of chronological order and describe how they've shaped you into the person you are now, and please specifiy which event has left the biggest impression.

Day 3: Your general thoughts
What is your biggest pet peeve/turn on?
What takes up most of your time during any given day?
What is your favorite (all of these if possible) movie, show, book, band, song, color, quote, and why?
How do you feel about politics?
What are your religious/spiritual views, if there are any, and why do you feel that way?

Day 4: Your survivors (family and friends)
Show pictures or hopefully get a few people on video. (Not the whole family, please; just your nuclear family, the people you live with if that's not the same, and the people you see very often)
Describe which family member and friend you think you're closest to and/or who has helped you through the most. Give an example of such a time.
If you don't feel very close to your family or friends, explain why and if you wish things could be different.

Day 5: Your memories
What was the best day/night of your life?
What was the worst?
Who has been your friend the longest and what is your relationship status now?
Who was your first real relationship? Describe the significant events that took place.
What's a really significant childhood memory that sticks out to you?

Day 6: Your future
What college are you going to and why?
If you're not going to college, why not and what are your plans for the future, both near and distant?
What is your dream job and why?
Do you have marriage/kids in mind? Describe that part of your plan.
Are you confident with where you're going? Why or why not?

Day 7: Your soul
What's your passion in life? (not necessarily career-wise if you're not sure about it - just what gets you fired up)
Who or what influences the way you think the most?
Have you ever been in love? With whom and what happened?
If this applies, when did you first realize you were gay and how do you feel about it?
How do you really feel about yourself? (Be HONEST - if you hate yourself or if you think you're pretty okay or even if you think you're the shit, be honest.)

I'll make another list of questions when the next pass goes around.

Here's another biggie:

Seriously, if you break it or anything, I'll be pissed. And somehow, someway, I'm getting a new one, and that feat will be your responsibility.

Also, please don't spread around that we're doing this. You don't need to keep it top-secret or anything, but I can think of a few people who would not take too kindly to being left out. I chose you people because you're all extremely different from one another and also my closest friends.

This is THE LIST (which is subject to change if you don't want to take it that week or whatever):


Don't be afraid to ask questions or opt out if you don't wanna commit, but I'm super excited and I think this is going to be really awesome when it's all done.

Thank you all so much for agreeing to take part in this. The diversity is awesome and it's gonna be great.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

If I could be convincing, I would be.

So, Brian wrote a really long description of the beginning and ending of our relationship.


I'm sorry. I don't know what else to say. I hate knowing that you feel that way. I know it's probably not what you want to hear, but it's true. It's hard living without you and feeling like I don't know who I am or if anything I do is right. But honestly, it's even harder knowing that I made the right decision.

I was terrified of what it would do to you, of being alone, of being a heartless bitch, of losing you, of pulling myself up after knocking both of us down and having to do it alone.

Then I finally did it. I ripped your heart out.

Still, I question if I made the right decision, but then I remember that sickening uncertainty that crippled me every day, feeling like I was lying to you by staying with you, not because I didn't love you, but because I felt like I was pretending to be someone else every time I was with you.

After I emerged from my critical depression, I felt something different. My entire frame of mind had tilted off its axis. It changed the way I view the world, myself, and, in turn, our relationship. All of that change that suddenly heaved onto my life, all of that insanity I experienced, all of that terrifying, mortifying isolation that my soul bore like a wound, all of that swallowing darkness served as a chisel, chipping away at my rough, outer surface. The worse I suffered, the more was shaved away, and when I reemerged into the waking world of consciousness, everything was different. I didn't have that lens through which I'd been viewing my life, wishing I could partake. Underneath the rocky shell I'd been weighing myself down with was something raw, vulnerable, and pure. My natural defenses just turned off the emotion switch whenever something personally vindictive stood before me, and this also served as a block from truly feeling any joy.

Something was growing, scratching, growling inside of me. I tried to suppress it - thus, the pretending - I tried to explain it away and say that it didn't have to overpower me and who I was when I was with you. I really tried. I didn't want to lose you - what we had. Everything was perfect. So, I tried to pretend like nothing had happened - like I reemerged from the depression completely back to normal. I tried to ignore the pressing quest for self that filled every part of me. I thought I already knew who I was as much as I could as this part of my life. It seems that every time I think that, something happens and changes everything.

But I couldn't win. It consumed me like fire. Every day I felt the burning prickling my skin, charring pieces of me to ashy debris. I was emerging as someone completely new, and it was like a freight train. I just couldn't keep it to myself any longer.

But every time I tried to share this with you, it seemed like you were just on the sidelines, and if you weren't on the sidelines, you weren't on the same wavelength at all. There were so many areas where we didn't connect, mainly what we wanted out of life, and I couldn't pretend like I was content with this difference. I want the world. You just wanted me. It was when I saw this that I realized our relationship wouldn't work anymore.

You were so content with just having me in your life that nothing else mattered anywhere near as much. At least, that's what I saw, and that's what everyone else saw, too. And it made me feel like shit, because I want so much more than just the perfect partner. I want to be immersed in everything I love, which is theater, love, fun, other people, music and art in general. So yeah, I felt selfish and like I wasn't being honest with you. I grew restless. I grew discontented. I want everything, and you just want me.

Even if that's not entirely true, it's mostly true, and that's really all I saw, so even if that isn't true at all and I was in the wrong for picking up on it, clearly we weren't connecting at all anymore.

You say you wish you never met me. Well, I'm really sorry you feel that way. Extremely sorry, because I sure as hell thought that the good times we had together were infinitely more intense than the bad times we're going through apart. Maybe that's just me. I can't say I'm sorry again, because you've stressed that it makes you mad when I do. So I guess all I can say is that I don't ever for one second regret meeting you, being with you, giving you my virginity, or anything at all, and I'm extremely hopeful for the future.

I understand that you're angry and heartbroken and you want to hurt me, so it really is okay that you're so hostile and venomous toward me. I accept it. You probably don't want to hear that either, but I'm being honest with you.

I still love you. I need to be on my own. I'm a different person right now, and I'm about to get even more different. I hope we can still have some semblance of a friendship.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Dr. Horrible notes

I need to get stuff DONE:

  • Fundraisers
  • Advertising


  • Maybe a small concert thing? With some food and live music?


  • Stand pathetically on the sidewalk while passing out flyers in the freezing cold
  • Posters up around the city
  • Pass flyers out at school
  • Facebook, but it's not that reliable
(I need this ><)


  • Watch it several times
  • Listen to it several times
  • Write down ideas


I am so screwed.
I don't have any leverage over the city of Edmond.