Gonna try this again. Maybe.

I'm starting a new blog about Razia's Shadow and it's probably a good idea to delete this one but I still don't think I'm going to. xx

I've been having a lot of emotional breakdowns recently. A lot. I'm semi-debating to move in with my mom permanently, but I don't know about that yet.

I really think I want to be a director, but I don't know. It's a hard industry. I don't know if I could face the rejection if I didn't make it to the top. I really love showbusiness, though. But acting is just too demanding. xx I want to be the one demanding and calling the shots. I'm good at it, as anyone can tell you. I'm definitely bossy by nature. I've been trying to work on that. :/

Brian and I have been dating for a year and three months. :) I love him completely.

I'm pretty much bombing all my classes. No F's but still pretty low grades. :/ Dad's pissed. I can't bring myself to tell him that they're not gonna get better until next semester, which starts in a week. He's just gonna be pissed and we're just gonna fight over and over and over again and I'm gonna dread coming home and feel like a failure. Again. Like every day I'm at his house. He'll probably read this and say it's my fault, which, yeah, it pretty much is. But sometimes it's just too much. And it's just too much right now.

On a happier note, I've discovered that Alive with the Glory of Love by Say Anything is my new favorite song. What's better than a song about sex, love, and the Holocaust? Actually, though, it's my favorite because of the music. The tune going on behind Max's vocals is really nice and contrasts perfectly with his voice. :) It gave me a new respect for the band. It's so funny because I've loved this song for years but only just now did I listen to it closely enough to discover that it's awesome in a different way than I originally thought.

I've started paying attention to the directors of my favorite movies:
David Fincher - Fight Club
Goran Dukic - Wristcutters: A Love Story
Stanley Kubrick - The Shining
Jon Turteltaub - National Treasure (1 & 2)
James Cameron - Avatar
Sam Mendes - American Beauty

American Beauty was the first sign to me that I wanted to direct. That movie is amazingly directed and written. It's just an incredibly powerful movie. That was the first time I looked at directing movies and plays as an artform.

And Fight Club's just the best movie ever. Ever. EVER. -spoiler!-
You think Marla's the crazy one the whole movie. And then it turns out that she's the only one that knows what's going on. It's genius.




I feel like pretty much none of my friends want to be my friends.

It's a crappy feeling. :/

When you see happy pictures of friends with friends and none of you with friends and you hear about what fun they had at that one thing you didn't hear about. And when it continues for a long time. :/ Maybe it's my inner emo droning and moaning about the woes and misfortunes of life, but hey. It doesn't make it any less real.

I'm gonna start writing a play.