I'm sure you've noticed some resentment from me. I at least owe you an explanation for this.
I don't know how to talk to you anymore.
Even if I did, it doesn't seem as though you really want to talk to me. It doesn't even seem as though you like me. As a person. In general. At all.
And honestly...I miss you, despite how much you really don't seem to miss me.
It's really annoying. The situation. Your depression. Everything in general.
And the most annoying thing is, I tried to help you. I cared. I really did.
And honestly...I still do care.
But you can't even care back. You won't help back.
Despite what you think, friendship IS give and take. So is any relationship, for that matter. A mutual give and take.
It's not JUST mutual acceptance of each other.
And honestly...right now, I DO hate you. Because you don't express much interest in me until you need something. Because our friendship is NOT mutual. Because I'll jump through hoops for you whenever you ask. Narrow, flaming, insanely difficult hoops. But you don't return the favor. You just take, it seems.
Maybe I'm selfish, but that's just how I see our friendship.
And I've been thinking about this for a while. I just didn't know how to say it. As usual. And I thought you should know how I felt.
I owe it to you. Because it wasn't always like this. Because I miss the way we used to be.
Kate Howell June 18 at 5:21pm
And, as always whenever you're mad at me, I have no idea what brought this on. None. At all.
Honestly, Hannah, I don't know how to talk to you either. I've tried and tried and tried and I know that you're not going to believe it when I tell you, but I did. I tried so hard. You will never know how many tears I've had to wipe away because I've tried so hard to figure you out.
I don't express interest because it's clearly too strenuous of me to do so. Whenever I do, something happens, and I just end up getting my heart broken for the nth time. As a result, I've accepted that I can't keep up with the way you think, and that's not necessarily a bad thing. Your thoughts jump so fast from one conclusion to the other and, though my thoughts jump too, I am very much a person that has to assess the situation and find the root of everything. I can't even clean my room because I don't know where to start.
Truthfully, it is very, very hard for me to believe that you want to be my friend. Extremely hard. When I talk to you, probably half of what I hear from you is resentment and condescension and the other half is nothing but phenomenal intelligence and creativity.
But, Hannah, I simply can't keep straining my emotional limit with trying to please you. It's not that you're too hard to please - it's that I just don't know how. We're completely different creatures.
First, I hang out with you all the time and everything's wonderful. That was the summer before sophomore year.
Then, everything gets dark and complicated when I try to communicate that you are my best friend, and you respond by saying that that's too much pressure and that I don't know how to be a best friend. I didn't know how to respond to that at all except cry my eyes out for days at a time, and that's no exaggeration.
After that, you tell me that my expectations are too high for you to fill, so you don't want to be my best friend.
Consequently, I lowered my expectations completely so that you wouldn't feel threatened in any way. I stopped trying so hard to talk to you, inviting you to so many things, trying so hard to relate to you, because it was clear that you needed your space and I wanted to give it to you.
And then, this is the kicker, you tell me that the reason you get mad at me so often is because you have expectations of me that are higher than of other people.
I literally cannot keep up with the way you think about things.
Yes, when I was depressed and unable to function in daily life, you were there to pick me up, and it's not that I don't appreciate it, because I really do, more than anything, but to say that I don't jump through hoops for you is... I don't even know what it is. Something is disabling you from seeing what I do for you. I drove you all around Oklahoma City, and though it was about Razia's Shadow (barely), you wanted to get out of the house and that was the reason I picked you up. I thought we had a fantastic time, Hannah, but, clearly, I did something wrong. Again. And that is not the only time we've had a great time together. I thought that's what you wanted from me - a great time. If that's not it, then I don't know what you want.
Seriously, though, to say that I don't like you or am not interested in you as a person is just a straight-up fallacy. You know that I'm interested in you as a person because anytime we're together, I mention how cool you are and how creative you are and how you're the embodiment of art and how I don't want to tame you even if I could because you're a free spirit and I love that about you. I LOVE your soul/personality. It's so raw and beautiful and terrifying. I've learned, like with impressionistic or modern artwork, to just stop and admire from afar because if you get too close, it's hard to tell what it really is.
But yeah, it does offend me when you say my depression annoys you.
I'm pretty sure if anyone is annoyed with it the most, it's me.
Despite popular belief, I don't LIKE feeling helpless and stupid in everyday situations. I don't LIKE admitting that I need help to live. I don't LIKE having panic attacks in the middle of lunch and having to call home so I don't have to deal with so many people at one time. I don't LIKE missing a month of school in one semester and then getting C's and D's as my final grades.
In fact, I HATE it.
So the fact that YOU'RE annoyed with me wanting to kill myself for a straight year just shows me even more that I really did make the right decision by deciding to take a step back.
The reason I may not seem "interested" in our friendship is because when I am "interested," something I do offends you and then you're mad at me and I'm just bawling my eyes out all over again. However, when I take a deep breath and a step back, when I let you be your own person with your own life that doesn't really involve me very much, it's much easier for me to be around you because I'm constantly waving a white flag.
If you need something, you can talk to me about it. I always respond to your text messages, and yet you don't talk to me and then tell me that I don't help you.
It's pretty ironic how this has come full circle, but I really can't be that close to you. And I know because I have tried so hard to be one of your close friends. But, you and I are on totally different wavelengths. Neither one is right and neither one is wrong - they're just different. I can't be close friends with you because it seems that even when you make me mad, I end up apologizing, and when I make you mad, I end up crying and apologizing.
You are a force to be reckoned with. I don't want you to hate me but I can't earn your love, so I sit on the bleachers with a happy medium.
Except apparently that doesn't even make you happy.
Look.
I GIVE UP.
I can't be your best friend because I'm too much pressure, I can't be your close friend because you're too much pressure, and now I can't even be just a friend because I'm not interested in our friendship. I can't be your enemy because that would kill me inside.
Hannah, I will ALWAYS love you as a person. Truthfully, I can't not love you as a person because your unhindered emotion and life force captivates me beyond any other person I've ever met in my life, and I do want to be your friend, but I don't know how to react to you and the things you say to me, the things you think I do but I really don't do at all. Nine times out of ten, I have no earthly idea why you're mad at me. I really don't. I just saw it as having a great time and then you come back to me saying that you have to do everything according to my schedule and that I don't care about you at all. I'm so constantly confused and hurt that I just have to distance myself so that I don't torture myself over it.
I don't see our friendship deteriorating as much as you see it deteriorating. I don't see that I don't do anything for you. I don't see that all I do is take and don't give. I really don't see that I don't care about you.
If I didn't care, I wouldn't have responded. I wouldn't have asked for your help during my depression. I wouldn't have asked you to help with Razia. I wouldn't have distanced myself from you in an attempt to preserve in you a state of mind that you might actually like me. I wouldn't have bawled every time you were mad at me and I didn't know why. I wouldn't have invited you to my mom's career seminar thing. I definitely wouldn't have felt horrible but kept my mouth mostly shut while you were dating the one person I truly hate.
Hannah, I'm a communicational retard.
If you want my help with something - ANYTHING - just ask me. I'm sorry, but you can't expect me to know that you want something from me without telling me first. It's just like sex. It's not great until you tell your man what to do.
Sorry for the dumb analogy, but it's true.
I will always care about you and our friendship. I'm sorry that you consistently think I don't. I will try to fix it if I can, but I need you to try to fix it, too. I need you to talk to me about what you want.
Hannah Nielesen June 18 at 10:25pm
96% of the time, I am not mad at you. You just assume that I'm mad. Even when I tell you I'm NOT mad, you think I'm mad.
HONESTLY, I've been mad at you ONLY 3 times, including now.
I've tried everything you have. Raising, lowering, and abandoning all expectations.
I've been hurt too. Whenever I want to get closer to you, you back away.
But we're not in sync.
I'm annoyed with your depression because I've been just as depressed as you are now.
But, seeing how we're different people and all, I don't talk about it. I don't want to mention it. I ignore it. I drink.
And I just don't understand why you'd want to talk about something so personal.
I do not understand.
It's annoying to me because I think everyone can just deal with it.
And I know it's absurd to think that, I REALLY do, but I can't accept the notion of talking about depression. I can't. It's not how I was brought up.
We're on two separate wavelengths.
And I don't understand you. And that makes me feel as though I don't know who you are. As a person. In general.
So, what I want, what will put us in sync, is for me to know exactly who you are. And I want you to vocalize what you think about my decisions. To tell me why you think I'm mad. To vocalize your feelings without thinking I'm going to be upset.
And I'm getting impatient with myself now because there was so much more that I wanted to say, but I can't come up with the words.
...
I want you to know how I view friendship. I want to explain how serious it is to be best friends with me. I want you to know what it's like with me and Jessica. Because, if there was ever such a thing as soul mates, Jessica would be my best friend/soul mate/sister combo. And I don't think you understand the importance of that kind of friendship. Because if you did, you wouldn't say Katy is you best friend for the soul reason that she said you were HER best friend. Best friends is SO much more than that. It's about loyalty.
God knows I've hurt Jessica's feelings more than ANYONE else in this world, including yourself. But she forgives me, no matter how dumb and mean I am.
I mean, we're in it for the long haul, me and Jessica.
And being friends with me, like true friends, is just the same. And if we're going to work things out, we might as well be the true type of friends.
And that means having confidence in our friendship.
So, what I want is - eventually -your confidence.
Hannah Nielesen June 18 at 10:35pm
Also, I think hearing your side made me feel better. Because I just didn't realize how YOU felt. This type of communication is good.
Kate Howell June 19 at 6:11pm
Well, at least that’s a step up. I’m always afraid to talk to you about stuff like this because I don’t know what will set you off or how to say a lot of it. I know when I say things it tends to be the opposite of what I mean, so I try to keep my mouth shut.
I’ll address everything you’ve said in the order you’ve written them:
- Clearly, your definition of the word “mad” differs greatly from mine. When I say “mad” I mean any negative emotion that might spur a tense confrontation or really any tense irritation at all. Apparently, though, your definition of the word implies something much more intense than that. Your version of mad is my version of inflamed fury that burns your face red with how affronted you are. That’s my definition of unbelievably enraged. So, know that when I say that you’re “mad” at me, I mean that you have tense but maybe somewhat mild frustration toward me. I’m a very empathic person. I literally feel others’ tension toward me if they’re around me. Brian gets so pissed because anytime he’s mad about something at work and he’s just thinking about it, I can feel his anger and because I feel it so strongly, I assume that I did something wrong.
- I would like to point out my aforementioned assessment of us as people – we’re on completely different strings of consciousness. Neither one is right and neither one is wrong. We’re just different. You deal with your depression by pushing it quietly aside and drinking. You deal with depression alone because you were brought up that way. I, however, was brought up oppositely. I was raised to believe that talking about your feelings when you’re depressed is the healthiest way to cope with it. I deal with things better by having others understand the way I feel so that I know I’m not alone. I talk about how I feel because I really can’t bottle it up without lashing out at people and being violently emotional to everyone that I care about. I really CAN’T just suck it up and deal with it. I’m not that kind of person. When I fall, I fall hard, and I can’t pull myself up without help. You and I are opposites in that way. Just because I’m different doesn’t mean I’m unorthodox or nonsensical. It just means I need certain things that you don’t need, like understanding and comfort, and you need certain things that I don’t need, like alcohol and solitude. It’s all balanced out.
- I also have a disquieted fear of rejection/abandonment. I don’t want the people I really care about to know fully who I am for fear that they’ll reject me and move on with their lives. I hide myself from you particularly because you’re such a raw, enigmatic person that I don’t know how you’ll react to half the things I say, so I try to play safe. It makes a lot more sense to me now that I need to communicate with you better, though. I really don’t think you understand how awed and terrified I am of you at the same time. When I say you’re water, you really are in every sense of the word – you’re beautiful, calming, and really fun to play with on good days, but on bad days, you’re a raging typhoon that could swallow people alive as you roar into the storm. I don’t want to get in your way, and I don’t mean that to sound negative. I mean with whatever you do, be it art or romance or anger, I don’t want to be in your path for fear of disturbing what beauty may arise out of it or getting the backlash. That’s probably why you feel like you don’t know me – because I feel like a spectator of your life.
- Okay, yes, I will wholeheartedly admit that it was an AWFUL, AWFUL mistake to call Katy my best friend. I didn’t see how terrible it was at the time. She just told me everything that I’d ever wanted to hear from anybody in the world and I was blinded by all the compliments she gave me and how much she told me she needed me in her life. However, now that I realize that it’s all bullshit and she was just trying to get me to shut up, basically, (and that hurt a hell of a lot, too), I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t have a best friend. And I probably never will. Even though that’s the only thing I wanted out of high school. I have a very severe case of only-child syndrome, in which most people learn their friendship etiquette from their relationships with their siblings. However, if one doesn’t have siblings, when they try to make friends, they don’t really know how to treat them. My expectations of a best friend are too high. You were right about that. I didn’t know it at the time, but now I realize how right you were. I mainly wanted a replacement sibling that would always love me no matter what happened. I’m so happy and yet jealous that you have that with Jessica. That kind of relationship is the only one that I ever wanted, besides the romantic relationship that I have with Brian. I used to have it with Nicole, but then I got competitive with Emily because I want to have MY best friend. It’s got to be MY best friend, not anyone else’s. I don’t want to share. Yes, I know I’m stupid and crazy, but it’s how I feel and it comes from deep-seeded emotional problems that are too deep to fix now. The closest thing I have to a best friend is Raychel, mainly because we’ve always been there for each other when we needed each other, even though she just seemed at the back of my mind until this year, even despite that she and I have been friends longer than anyone else we know. I just felt so much more mature than she was and so much more… I don’t even know what I was thinking. But then I realized that, in many ways, she’s way more mature than I am and that she still put up with me through all of my insanity. That’s a true friend, and I want to be that way for her, but after all that shit, I don’t even think I deserve her best friendship. Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to tie her down to me, either. Raychel’s not that kind of person, and I acknowledged that pretty much from the moment we met. That’s probably why she was always at the back of my mind. I do believe that she and I were fated to be friends, though, and I know for a fact that she and I will be friends until the day we die.
- Call me weak, call me sensitive, whatever, but I’m not a person that can handle much abuse. You say you’ve hurt Jessica more than anyone else but she still forgives you. That is fantastic and she must be an amazing person, but I’m just not like that. If somebody hurts me, be it on purpose or accident, I torture myself. I am an EXTREMELY masochistic person. I cut myself because I like the pain. I like knowing that I can feel things. Sometimes I get so caught up in feeling what other people feel that I forget how I really feel about the world. I’m a chameleon in every situation. That’s pretty much why Zac creeped me out since the first day I met him in fifth grade. I never wanted to be friends with him. I never wanted to date him after we became “friends.” He always freaked the hell out of me because when I’m around him, I feel a weird, black emptiness that overwhelms my every pore. The boy has intense problems that he hides very, very well. But he’s kinda letting them slip out now, and that’s actually a relief because I’m sure that he has many redeemable qualities, but that black slime disables me from seeing them. But anyway, when someone’s pissed at me, I just torture myself over and over again because I don’t know what I did wrong. I change the way I act, the way I think, the way I speak until it fits that person just right. (Not drastically, I might add. Just little mannerisms that might set people on edge.) You, however, I can’t figure out. It works with everyone but you. Probably because you live your life according to true emotion and you’re repulsed by the fact that I morph to fit what’s going on around me. It’s more of a survival instinct than anything, because I’m sick of beating myself up over everything. Trust me, when you’re mad at me, the things I say to myself are a lot worse than anything you could say to me.
I hope you’re liking my long responses. Ha ha. Sorry about that. Once again, I’m someone who has to assess the situation and find the root of everything in order to feel satisfied.
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